OK. The retreat.
Wow
Wow
And
Wow.
On the morning of the retreat, still in the train, my son sent me a video of Jordan Peterson. With the titel “If I stay with you I will loose my soul.”
In the world I might loose my body but with you I will loose my soul.
Jordan Peterson states that as a mother you should let your son deal with his own struggle. The best portrayal of that he has seen in the painting of Michelangelo’s Piëta. Maria displaying the broken Jezus.
Bang! This one just slammed into my heart.
What is the deepest pain a mother can feel? Right, her child’s pain, not het own pain.
And he shuts me out, for his own good.
Well, I had no doubt anymore about the intention I was going to set during this retreat.
First of all, my son’s pain is not a joke.
His father died when he was 9 months old. He himself had a strong reaction on 3 BMR vaccinations starting at the age of one and a half year; febrile seizures, intestines completely deranged and as a result he got ADD, Dyslexia and Sensorimotor integration problems. He did not sleep, eat or shower. Couldn’t stand sounds, too many people, going shopping. School was one big struggle. In short, normal life was not possible anymore.
This little serene and sensitive man, that had just arrived on this earth, became a shaken soul.
I have always worried and supported him in all kinds of ways, with everything I had, until I got him on a private school at the age of 17.
He then went by puberty, alcohol, drugs and party’s, and became an amazingly strong character. Beautiful, smart and with an immense wall around him. Half Portugese; with a big beard and black hair his looks are impressive.
So.
I had to undo an intrinsic reaction.
I started with pride and a feeling of deep respect; how strong are you when you tell your mother to back off and do it yourself no matter how hard it will be. Knowing it will be rough and harsh.
Kundalini showed me the tapestry of family pain going through every person; as light streams they form crossroads, knotting children to their parents.
I realized this is not my pain. And my son’s pain is not my pain; it is his path.
Wow! This was a painful thought and at the same time liberating.
Now that I can see that it is his path, I can react from an other source. I can trust and meet him on this path. I can be there, and I can let him go. His choices do not need to meet mine; I am liberated to walk my own path.
I wish for him that he finds connection with wise and older men, but again, it is his path.
In the retreat I alternated between crying, laughing, chanting, yoga, fysical and emotional pain and hugged my fellow travelers, all women. Loving them with my whole heart.
Deep, deeper and deepest respect for Tim and Marieke from the #kundaliniyogaschool whom provided us to go into this inner sanctuary.
And, last but not least, the door to our chamber was 1 meter high (!) We had to bow to get in and out to find ourselves in a spacious room with lots of light. It became symbol for my retreat; your energy bundles through a tunnel in order to shine with full power at the other end!